raging seas

it's been awhile since i've written on here. it's not because i've been busy, but more because i wasn't sure what i wanted to write about. there is so much that is going through my mind, but i'm not quite sure how to organize it. i guess i could write about how silly life is, and how perfectly it works out. or how angry it makes me that things like cancer, or other illnesses, affect lives that are undeserving of the disease. or maybe even how some people are careless with their lives, endangering the lives of other people. maybe i don't have to organize this, but rather, just write. write to clear my head.

a month ago, i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life. i just knew i wanted to do something big. something huge even. Who knew I'd end up three years later still wondering the same thing...

I am now a year and a half into a licensed career, slowly heading in the upward direction. With a few setbacks to claim. Living in an apartment I cant afford, driving a car that barely runs, and being head over heals for a man ill never be able to have. Sometimes I wish life came with a hadbook. A step by step plan on how to win the game. I look back over the past few years, and I seriously wonder how I made through to today. People dont realize how much ive had to endure, and how it seems impossible to continue each day. Im not by any means minimizing anyone else's struggles. Honestly I cannot compare our lives because I do not walk in their shoes. I can however share mine, and hope somehow it gives them strength.

I never thought I'd be the girl just coming out of a toxic relationship. I never thought I'd let someone use me in every way they could. I also never thought I'd go back for more, time and time again. Its one of those things that seem like a really good idea, and a week into it, you realize why people say not to follow your feelings.

Feelings are something that always steer me the wrong direction. I hate that I fall for people so fast and so hard. Its always hard to keep your head and your heart seprate. Like a battle that can never really win. If you follow one, the other can never really be fully satisfied. And that is the point where I am stuck in my life. Do I follow my heart, which will bring the happiness for now and heartbreak later? Or my head, which brings heartbreak now, but joy later? The choice looks easy, but in the here and now, its a raging sea.

love god, love people.

love God, love people. today this phrase has finally set a new standard for me. in the past eleven months, i've heard this phrase more than the stars that line the sky.

okay that was a lie, but i did hear it a lot. i was listening to a sermon today and this phrase was said again. as it repeated in my head a few times, it really settled in. for the past nine months, i was a part of rockford master's commission. and these next few points are some of the things we were taught throughout that period. it wasn't until just now that some of them finally settled in. i don't know about you, but my tendency when i hear something repeated over, and over, and over, and over again, i tune it out. i'm sick of hearing it, and finally just close my ears to it.

throughout the past year, i could not figure out why i wasn't happy. why i felt depressed, and why i could seem to crawl out of the pit, or break down the walls that surrounded me. the truth was, i was hearing with my ears what was being said through my time at master's. but i wasn't hearing with my heart. there is a significant difference. i was looking at the people saying the words, and judging what they said based on the hypocrisy in their lives. there are many things wrong with that. one being i was judging them hardcore. and secondly, people say things, its true. but usually, God knows what you need to hear, and he uses people to make you hear it. through my whole life i put people on this pedestal. one that i wasn't even willing to stand on. when the screwed up, i was sure to catch them, and from that point, i would tune anything they said to me out. they weren't worth my time. because in my mind, why should i listen to someone, who didn't even follow what they themselves said.

but today, i looked at my own self. how many times to i tell my family something? and then do the opposite thing two seconds later. i have no room to judge the people around me. i say that i strive to serve God. to serve his people, which is a real passion in my heart. but i question how true this statement is, based on my actions. realizing i am no different than the people i turned my heart off to is mind shattering. today i realized how much i need to change.

realizing this, i started thinking about how to go about "being holy." how to have that real, authentic relationship with God. previously to today, i had a relationship with God, but i am missing the real, authentic part. i tuned back into the sermon i was previously listening to, and listened to the speaker say, that when the pharisees asked jesus what the most important law was, He told them to love God with all their hearts, minds, and souls. and secondly, which is equal to the first, is to love His people. (J. Deweert, RFA) so today, my journey is to firstly, love God, and figuring out how to really love him with all my heart, and mind, and soul. then the love people part will come into play.

loving people must come after loving yourself, which comes after loving God. you cannot love yourself if you don't see how God lives in you, and see yourself through his eyes. this is truth. this is why the bible says you must keep your focus on God. make Him the center of your life. once you do that, everything else will fall into place. Love God. once you love God, you can love yourself, once you love yourself, you can love others. it makes sense. everything falls into line when He comes first. see, you have to choose to put Him there, in first place. He should be the first in your heart. choose to let Him enter. Love Him, and see where He will take you.

little ant

i watched this little ant crawl up a wall today, carrying an egg that was just as big as it's body. questions started popping up in my head. like, who trusted this little creature with such a huge task? how did he know he could carry so much? why didn't his body cripple with exhaustion? you see, i was in pure awe, unable to look away for at least three minutes. that's a long time to stare at something, in case you were wondering. but anyway, i drew an equivalent. we, as humans, do amazing things that, half the time, we cannot explain. who gives us the power to do so? what trust's us enough to take on those tasks? how do we push ourselves to the point of exhaustion, and still keep going? i thought about all the times i wanted to give up on something, but didn't, and was happy at the end that i pushed myself to keep going.

you can probably see where i am going with this. but think about it. when a four wheeler flips on top of someone, and you know that you are not strong enough to lift it off of them, but somehow, you do...how can that be explained. some would say it's adrenaline. to me, that is only a little part of it. this kind of reminds me of david and goliath. david was a very small boy, not a match for the big, giant goliath. but david defeated goliath anyway. again, what gave him the strength? why did he know that he could defeat goliath?

confidence has a play in it. but where do we find that confidence? we find it in I AM. the God of the universe. He is the only answer that makes sense. when He is the center of our being, what or who can rock us from that central point. the second part is our choice. we have to choose Him. we have to choose to tune our heart's ear to the voice of our Lord. how do we do that? by knowing His word. it becomes living to us. and when this voice is the one we are tuned into, the other outside voices are less distracting. we can tell the difference between the voice of our mother, and the voice of her sister, right? the same is for the voice of God compared to the voice of everyone else. when you grow with one voice versus another, your ear is trained to pick it out of a crowd of voices. as for the strength, both physically and mentally, it stems from your confidence and how much you push yourself. "you only give up when you let quitting become an option" (E. Campbell, RMC) an example: you set a goal of running two miles. but after one mile, your mind is already telling you your body can't handle this, your legs feel like jello, and you can't breathe "normally." so when you hit half a mile, you turn off the treadmill, and decide you are done. then you start to relax in front of the t.v. and don't feel like you even worked out at all. why is this? it's called a mind game. and it happens to us more than we think. you could have run five miles, but at mile one, you let quiting become an option, because you believed that little voice in your head that told you you couldn't do it. this happens eighty-percent of the time. God gives us the strength to run the five miles, we have to make the choice to 1. believe we can, with His help. and 2. stop believing that little voice in our head. it's that simple people.

my challenge: finish everything i start. go one day without giving up.

your challenge: try mine. :)

just a thought or two

as i went through this week, i became very irritated. you see, i've been dealing with a lower back issue. i was frustraited because it prevented me from doing normal, everyday things. things i would never give a second thought to doing. for example, switching a load of laundry from the washer, to the dryer. you would think this would be a simple five minute task. but as it took me fifteen, due to the simple fact i had to get onto my knees to perform this task, because i couldn't simpley bend over to switch the laundry. this would be very irritating and frustraiting for most people. but it made me think about how something so out of our control, can cause us to act differently, and put a damper on anything we do. it's a good example of how we must make other people feel. if you are anything like me, you like to be in control, of almost everything; from what people think of you, down to the way that people do a simple team-oriented task. and this personality of mine turns people off. it cripples them because it tears down their creative level, or makes them feel inadequate, sometimes even causing them to not even try. i know that i have felt this way before. and i don't think it is right to make someone feel inadequate, dumb, or unsure of themselves. so why would i treat someone like this? the truth is i would never want to, but it still happens every day. i am the normal, everyday person. the one who sits at a desk wondering why i come to work where nobody notices me. i am the person who goes home to a family, who doesn't act like one, i am alone.

sounds pretty normal right?

wrong the truth is, this isn't the norm. its what we are told the norm is by the media, by every outside influence that surrounds us. that's why when we actually hear the truth, we don't believe it. it seems surreal, it seems out of our reach. so we don't even try. the one person who want's to help us, can. but he feels that same pain that i had in my back all week. you see, we are the weak muscle; the disk that is out of place. making it difficult for Him to fulfill His purpose for the world we were born into. He is God. and we are His models in the world, but we are too afraid of what might happen, that we become limp; un-useable. it's as simple as having coffee, with that one person you don't want to. the one who has dealt with divorce, the one who has lost a loved one, the one who lost their job. you see? when you put the focus on someone else for a moment, the more your problems don't exsist. it's simple. give more than you recieve. be the hope to them. Love them like God loves them. because God is Love, and where there is love, there isn't room for anything else. live it out.

i want to stop being the pain in His back. the one who reminds Him of the things i chain His hands from doing. i don't want to be the reason that he can't change someone's life. i don't want to be the reason a child is left behind, or the reason a mother is left to fend for herself. i don't want to be the reason people turn away from Him. because God brings life. nothing evil comes from Him. He only brings beauty from the bad things that happen. so why do i chose to live in the darkness? because i want to lead the people who are afraid of His light, directly to His heart. they are the ones he loves. and i know that he uses people in any way possible to reach them. this is just how he chose to use me. i want to love them like he does. like he loves me. this is life. and this is what i live for.