raging seas

it's been awhile since i've written on here. it's not because i've been busy, but more because i wasn't sure what i wanted to write about. there is so much that is going through my mind, but i'm not quite sure how to organize it. i guess i could write about how silly life is, and how perfectly it works out. or how angry it makes me that things like cancer, or other illnesses, affect lives that are undeserving of the disease. or maybe even how some people are careless with their lives, endangering the lives of other people. maybe i don't have to organize this, but rather, just write. write to clear my head.

a month ago, i had no idea what i wanted to do with my life. i just knew i wanted to do something big. something huge even. Who knew I'd end up three years later still wondering the same thing...

I am now a year and a half into a licensed career, slowly heading in the upward direction. With a few setbacks to claim. Living in an apartment I cant afford, driving a car that barely runs, and being head over heals for a man ill never be able to have. Sometimes I wish life came with a hadbook. A step by step plan on how to win the game. I look back over the past few years, and I seriously wonder how I made through to today. People dont realize how much ive had to endure, and how it seems impossible to continue each day. Im not by any means minimizing anyone else's struggles. Honestly I cannot compare our lives because I do not walk in their shoes. I can however share mine, and hope somehow it gives them strength.

I never thought I'd be the girl just coming out of a toxic relationship. I never thought I'd let someone use me in every way they could. I also never thought I'd go back for more, time and time again. Its one of those things that seem like a really good idea, and a week into it, you realize why people say not to follow your feelings.

Feelings are something that always steer me the wrong direction. I hate that I fall for people so fast and so hard. Its always hard to keep your head and your heart seprate. Like a battle that can never really win. If you follow one, the other can never really be fully satisfied. And that is the point where I am stuck in my life. Do I follow my heart, which will bring the happiness for now and heartbreak later? Or my head, which brings heartbreak now, but joy later? The choice looks easy, but in the here and now, its a raging sea.